Friday, December 5, 2008

I am a rock, I am an I-i-i-island

I never realized how dark the lyrics of that song are until just now (when I looked it up). But that's the song that pops into my head whenever I get stressed. And I am stressed. I think I like the song because the last few lines are kind of my motto: "I am shielded in my armor, Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain; And an island never cries." That's how I get when I get really stressed. Alann can tell you I am not fun to be around. My sister gave me a sign a few years ago as a birthday present. It says "ground rules: Don't talk to me, Don't stare at me, Don't touch me." There are days I want to wear that sign around my neck. Luckily, they are few and far between these days.

Last time I felt this way was over two years ago. I was living with Alann's aunt and uncle, by myself, no Alann, no dogs, just me and two people I had met once years before. I was closing on the house, and had bought a washer and dryer from an unscrupulous fellow who then disappeared off the face of the earth. (Luckily his idiot friends did give me a washer. I don't know who it was supposed to belong to, but I'm glad I have it.) I was trying to get ready for our honeymoon cruise (a year and a half after we got married), learning a new job, and was seriously stressed. The thing that broke that feeling was being rear-ended by some jerk checking out the women playing volleyball in their bikinis. I broke down after that. I bawled in the car after the accident so much that the people in front of me (who I ended up hitting) were concerned that I was hurt. (I wasn't hurt that bad.) I freaked Alann out when I called and told him. It was literally the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the perfect culmination to everything that had been going on. And you know what, I don't want to go through something like that again. I need to get rid of this funk before something catastrophic comes along to make me forget it. All in all, the car accident ended up being an ok thing thanks to insurance settlements. My strained shoulder healed, the car (my mother in law's) was fixed, and life went on. And it made me really appreciate our cruise, which started the next day. I don't know how I would have reacted if I had been scheduled for work instead of the cruise that week.

So now, I am just feeling stressed about work, about getting things ready for Christmas visitors, about getting things ready for Claire, about the car being broken and stupid and evil, about the cat waking me up at 4:00 EVERY MORNING because she wants to purr at me and lick my arms (weirdo), about the dogs being stupid, about being tired and feeling ill. I need a vacation. Actually, I need a staycation (where you take time off work but stay home). I am really looking forward to Christmas break, but in a way am not. Because that starts the countdown to parenthood and we really need to figure out what my job will be after she is born, which is another thing to stress about. I want to stay home. I feel like I need to be home. Something will work out. Something will happen that will allow me to be home with her. I just hope that something isn't unemployment. Because I do like my job, or at least most parts of my job. I enjoy what I do and I am needed here. The two days I was gone things kind of fell apart in certain areas. A lot of that would be solved by hiring a new receptionist. But I really don't know anything about what will happen. First things first- I need to get more info about birthing classes.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

Bummer. I'm sorry things suck right now. It will get better. I know things will work out with your job and Claire and amazingly enough everything that needs to will get done. You will be a wonderful mother, even if you do have to work some. I hope you have a productive weekend and also get a chance to relax.
PS-I vote you throw the stupid cat at Alann when she wakes you up. She was his idea. ;)